What if things were different?

I don't know what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot, and my twin sister had CP instead of me.  Would I be ashamed of her? Maybe. Part of me says, ‘Yes I would be ashamed,’ and the other part says, 'No, I would be there for her and help her.'  I realize now that this is a very black-and-white perspective, and I can see how she would have had mixed feelings.

I have a few friends who are twins and they are very close. It bothers me because I want that for Susan and myself. Maybe if I weren’t handicapped, we would have that level of closeness. It's hard to know.  It would mean that we could have more in common and also have fewer expectations of each other.  I think we both probably put a lot of pressure on the other person for different reasons.

Sometimes I envision myself without CP too, and what it would be like for my family and me. Would I be the same young lady that I am today? Would I be still living in Calgary or somewhere else? Would I be married and have a family of my own like my two sisters? These are some of the questions that I pose to myself. Don't get me wrong: I love my life and I am so grateful for all that I have. But a voice inside me thinks that somehow my life would be better if I did not have CP.  Right now, I know who I am with CP but if I had a chance to change this part of me, I would be afraid because I am a girl who has a great life.  Do I want more?  Sure I do!  The next question is, would I be willing to trade what I have now in exchange for a fantasy of what life could be like? That, I'm not so sure about.

I remember looking at my two sisters and sometimes I felt like something was missing from my life because I would compare it to theirs. Part of me would become resentful if I started thinking I had less because I had a disability.  If I were a normal girl like my two sisters, I told myself we would be closer... we would be normal sisters.  I convinced myself that Susan hated to have a twin who was handicapped.  I also told myself that my parents were in pain when they saw us fighting.  To make matters worse, I’d often tell myself that my parents’ lives would be absolutely better without a child with a handicap.

The reality is, though, that my family loves me deeply and wants me to be all that I can be, and I don't know where I would be without them.  I do not believe I would be the same person without their love.  I am so lucky to have a wonderful family, and every day I want to show them that I am fulfilled in my life regardless of my challenges. I believe I have a full life.  Sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in even though my family treats me like I belong.  I logically know that it is not true, thinking about myself as an outsider, but the feelings linger.

Another thing I wonder about is if I’d be in a relationship. I want to have a close relationship with a special man. I close my eyes and imagine that I am a woman who does not have a disability. In my heart I feel that it is wrong to fantasize about this. When I am out with family and friends I look at them and wonder: If I was normal, would I have a family of my own like my sisters?

I often wonder if I will ever find someone to love who is like my dad and two brother-in-laws. They are three caring guys who would do anything for their wives. They're fun and have a sense of humour.  I would like to share my life with someone who is open with himself and with me, someone who is handy around the house and who can cook, and who also values and likes my family. I think that if I didn't have a disability I would want children but, unless I found somebody who was willing to look after most of the needs of the baby, I don’t see a future with kids.

There are times I think that having someone to share my life with is the best thing I could ask for. I feel lonely and would really value having a close relationship with a guy that I could call on and spend time with or go out with.  I want the friendship, companionship, and the opportunity to share my life with someone.  I have my family and friends but a little part of me is sad and I feel like something is missing.

Although I hope to find someone to share my life with, it is not the end of the world to me if I don’t. For a long time, I thought that I wouldn't be worthy of love because of my disability. That is not the case. I know someone can love me for me.