Working on my own

Steve, the employment coordinator at PASC at the time, was there when I arrived for my first day of independent work. I had already been at my job for a month but it finally felt like the first day of work. He helped me set up and updated me on what happened with Lisa and asked if I needed anything from him.  I said no.  He had already explained my decision to Sharon and she understood. I started feeling like a normal person getting her first paying job and being acknowledged for my work.  I was proud of the decision to go to work on my own and I knew my family and friends were happy for me.

Two and a half years with this company made me realize how significant working with a team can be and how rewarding it was for me as a woman.  I will be forever grateful for the opportunity and the chance I took to venture further on my own.  Companies don't always realize that someone with a disability can do the same job, but might do it differently.  I'm not saying that anyone can do any job and be great at it.  Everyone has different strengths and the goal is to match your strengths with a company.

My co-workers helped me set up my laptop and everything that I needed. They were also very helpful with any other requests I might have.  I enjoyed working there. It was fun and I didn’t feel like I had a disability when I was just involved in my responsibilities at work.  I’m so happy I could start doing it alone, without someone coming in with me everyday.  I always wanted to try being more independent. I would see a lot of people going to work when I was out and about on the handi-bus and I used to wonder if I would ever have a job.   I did and that was a big honor for me.

Conflicts with a disempowering facilitator

Sometimes I completed work quicker than they anticipated and I would run out of projects to do. On my second Tuesday of work, I finished my work and there was nothing left for me to do.  Sharon said I could go home early but with Access Calgary picking me up, I could not change my schedule that quickly.  Lisa offered to drop me off at home.  However, a few days later she told me she was thinking about not working on Friday, saying it could be our free day to do whatever we wanted.  I didn’t like the idea.  I was enjoying work and didn’t want to cut back on my hours.  I didn’t want to say no outright so I suggested we talk to Sharon about it.  Lisa went and spoke to Sharon without me and she said it was fine.  However, it was not fine with me! I took off the following Friday to decide if it was finally time to talk to my coordinator about what I was feeling.

Basically, all my issues with Lisa had been building. I still met her at the Academy of Learning and she would take me to work in her car.  But she usually arrived half an hour after I did while I was stuck in my manual chair with a sore back.  I never thought that being with someone for three years could take away my independence and self-esteem, but it did.  I talked with my mom and some of my close friends and I had their support.  I realized that if I really wanted to show people what I can do and who I am, then I had to make a choice for myself. I needed to make that decision before spending another couple of months with this burden I was carrying around.  My self-confidence had decreased and I did not realize what was happening over time.

I believe now that when there is an issue in my life that causes significant discomfort for me, I need to address it directly, as soon as I can.  This was a big learning experience for me.  I realize how considerate and thoughtful I am willing to be, but not everyone is the same.  I think I expected something different and was not sure how to handle this situation, but I know better now.

I wrote a letter to my coordinator on a Monday explaining how I felt working with Lisa, how work was going, and what I needed in order to feel better about my job and myself.  I’m not the type of person who hides how I’m feeling but I found I was feeling discounted in arrangements that were being made, and I also knew that I needed to be with someone who was more caring of how choices could be affecting me.  I did not want to confront Lisa and was not confident that I would be heard.  It was a big challenge for me to sit down with her and tell her what I was feeling.

That Wednesday, I had a meeting with my coordinator and told her what was going on with Lisa and me.  I felt better after but I was a little anxious about what was going to happen the next day at work since I was with Lisa three days a week.  I was scared of seeing her the next day so I asked if I could go to work on my own and see what happens. I also wanted to go in my electric wheelchair to be independent.

Finding a job—a REAL job (part 3)

My first day of work, I was worried about everything: what should I wear, would my co-workers be nice, would they like me, would I like them, would they understand me?  I had worked before but never somewhere where I was paid and contributed to a team.  I had spent two weeks before I started the job going over my school notes to refresh my memory.  It was a new environment and I was excited to see what would happen.  At the same time, I was worried about how it would go working with Lisa.

Lisa decided to meet at the Academy of Learning and head to work in her car. We had been meeting at Academy of Learning while job searching and using their computer lab, but this also meant that I had to use my manual wheelchair because my power chair is too heavy. My manual wheelchair makes it easier to travel by car but someone has to push me everywhere and I don’t like losing my independence like that.  It’s not very comfortable and it kills my back after a few hours. When we were making our travel plans, I didn’t think it was a good idea to use my manual wheelchair, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.  Negotiation does not come naturally to me as it does with most people.

My first work assignment was to make a form in Adobe Dreamweaver. They already had the information and data ready but I needed to format it all.  I was happy that I finished the assignment on my first day.  The rest of the day went well too; everyone was nice but they spoke to Lisa instead of me.  I told myself that I would give it a couple of weeks to see what would happen and see if we would still work well together.

In the following weeks I kept enjoying the work and contributing to a team, but was feeling more frustrated with Lisa as my worker.  My co-workers kept asking her if I could do things instead of asking me directly.  I felt like they didn’t know me at all or what I could accomplish.  They were seeing me as someone with a disability, someone who needed a worker to be there everyday. That’s not me!  I was mad at myself for letting Lisa take away my independence and self-confidence.  It was and is still very important for me to be able to exercise my own power and control in my life.

The best option was to have a support person who was more aware of my needs and assisted others to understand that I am more than capable of answering questions.  Unfortunately, the web developers would email Lisa about my assignments and she would let me know what needed to be done.  I went into work not having a clue about what I would do that day. Basically, I didn’t have a voice of my own because everyone communicated to me through Lisa. This is another example of depersonalizing someone!

Finding a job—a REAL job (part 2)

The interview actually went really well.  I met the boss Sharon who spoke about the company, what she did, and what they were looking for in an employee.  She asked what my skills were, what I could do well, and if I could handle the position.  I told her I was looking to gain more knowledge and would really like to work under someone who I could learn from. She asked why I would be suited for the job and I explained that I’d built websites for my friends and kept using my skills since finishing school.

Sharon explained that she probably wouldn’t hire me because she was looking for web developers who didn’t need much assistance with the programs and could work independently; she wasn’t well acquainted with web development herself. She had already hired one developer but he was still in school and they wanted to hire a second person.  At the end of the interview, she wanted to keep my resume on file: “When I do hire someone else, I’ll ask if they could use your help.” I assumed she was going to hire Lisa.

I left that interview expecting to never hear back.  A week later, Lisa emailed me that Sharon had hired a second web developer and wanted to meet.  I thought, “Why not?” I was in Lisa’s car on the way to the meeting when she said that the company wanted to hire me, not the two of us.  She would still be with me for support but I would do all the web design work myself.  We went and met with the two web developers and I agreed to start October 5^th, 2010.  Sharon made sure I had enough room to get around the office space and bathroom. I was officially hired!

It was hard to be happy to have the job because I kept thinking about Lisa and me.  I thought about whether or not I really wanted this job with her, or whether I should tell Sharon to hire Lisa instead so I could walk away. I spent significant time thinking about what I should do.  This was my first paying job that I had ever had in my life and I wanted to shout, “Look, Shawna got a job!”  But something inside of me was sad.  The relationship with Lisa wasn’t working.  She was being very controlling when I was with her, but I decided to put that aside and accept the job.

Finding a job—a REAL job (part 1)

When Lisa and I graduated, we planned to look for a job together.  We talked to a counsellor at school for advice about how to search for jobs.  The counsellor suggested writing a cover letter to explain who we are and what we can bring to the table.  It seemed like Lisa and I could continue in the same relationship we had before, but at a professional stage.  I talked to Lisa about it and she asked if it was what I wanted.  She didn’t want to do it if I was going to back out. “No, I’m in,” I stated emphatically.

A whole year went by with a few interviews and freelance work added in. We looked at websites to see which companies had made them, and kept searching for job opportunities at these companies.  Lisa found someone who worked from his house in Bragg Creek and needed someone to develop a website for a client of his.  However, we didn’t realize he worked from home until we arrived for the interview in Bragg Creek. I waited in the car while Lisa went in because the man had steps leading up to his house, and we didn’t know how I could get in.  We got the job the same day, but it wouldn’t last for a long time.

Our employer would email us what he needed done and we would head somewhere and work on it together.  Or sometimes we needed to head to Bragg Creek to meet with him.  We did it for a month or so, but it wasn’t working out.  We needed to use a new program and had to ask him a lot of questions as we were learning it.  He needed the work done quickly, without having to explain the details of how to do it.  Eventually we stopped hearing from him.

Lisa and I kept looking for work while I was doing little jobs for family and friends. They weren’t paying projects but that was fine with me because I could practice my skills and learn new programs.  I had been out of school for over a year and it was time for me to really think of what I wanted in life and if continuing with this job search plan was the best fit.  I also felt that something had changed between Lisa and me.  I didn’t say anything but the job search had become frustrating and I was starting to think I wouldn’t find anything in my field.  I was thinking about giving up on a web design plan and working on other ideas like finishing this book and becoming a speaker.  But then we heard back about a job application!  I decided not to mention my doubts to Lisa; after all, we had been looking for a job for so long that maybe I had just hit a wall and was tired of the situation.  Maybe a job change in my life would change our relationship too.

I wasn’t expecting to get too much out of the interview but I was still nervous.  I spent the days leading up to it asking my family and friends what I should wear.  I hadn't really had a job interview for web design before.  The Academy of Learning had a weekly job club for graduates that was all about preparing for the job search process.  Lisa and I used some of their ideas like writing practice questions and having a mock interview.  It was helpful because it gave me a little sense of what might happen in the interview.  I didn’t think I would get the job but at least I could go and do this job interview so I’d have more experience in the future.