Friends and dating (part 6)

Later on, I met a guy at the University of Calgary’s Rehabilitation and Fitness Program for Persons with Disabilities, who was doing his practicum in rehabilitation. He was there working with a client who in the same fitness class as me.

One day, the sun was shining and it was beautiful outside.  While I waited for the bus, I went outdoors to enjoy the weather.  Robert was there waiting for his client’s bus, but I didn't notice that he came outside behind me.  There were a number of people still waiting for their buses as well.  Robert came up to me and we started talking.  I thought he would be leaving once his client was picked up, but he did not.

We talked until my bus arrived. He asked me if I used MSN.  I told him that I did and to my surprise, he offered me his MSN address and asked me to add him so we could talk some more.  This was exciting and so as soon as I arrived home, it was the first thing I did.  I really enjoyed our conversations but I was worried; I kept thinking, he is a “normal” kind of guy and I wondered why he wanted to talk to me, especially since he could have been talking to other “normal” kinds of girls and not one with a disability.

We frequently saw each other at the University of Calgary. We also talked on MSN every night and soon after that, we started talking on the phone. When Robert told me that he was in love with me and wanted a life with me, I felt afraid that he was only saying that because he wanted something more than I could give. I was afraid to answer him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but at that time, I didn’t feel the same way. I felt like he was just a friend. I wanted to tell him so but I didn't say anything for a while.

A few weeks later, I told him, “Let’s see how long we can go without talking to each other,” but I called him when I got home from my parents’ house. I started to realize that I had feelings for him too, but there was something on my mind that I couldn’t get out of my head. I remember thinking there must have been something wrong with him.  Inside, I constantly questioned why he had feelings for me.

My own feelings grew stronger until I had to let him know that I felt the same way as he did.  We discussed going on an actual date.  This presented itself as a really big hurdle for me because I was living in the group home, and I always needed permission from my parents to go out. They didn’t actually know about Robert yet.

In the end, it didn’t work out between us. Both of us moved on with our lives. Robert will always be in my heart, and I hope he is happy with his life. I still wonder though, if a guy came into my life, would I be scared to share my life with him? Down the road I will open up my heart to the right guy, but not now. I feel like I have everything that I want: I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I live my life the way I want to and if the right person comes along, that would be great, but if not, I will be ok with that. I’m not sitting around waiting for a relationship; I have a life of my own.

Friends and dating (part 5)

I finally found the courage a year and a half later to break up with him.  One week I went out to the cabin and asked Mark if we could go out on a date when I got back; we had been staying in every weekend and not doing anything.  I asked him to book a bus for us to see a movie or something and left the plans in his hands.  I didn't have much faith and was certain that he would have forgotten to book the bus.

Sure enough, I got home and he had forgotten all about our date.  I was so furious and upset that I broke up with him that night.  Although it was hard to do, I'm very happy I did. I t was too hard being around him; he had changed after Joseph's death and wasn't the same person I used to know.  He stopped wanting to go out with friends and preferred to stay in.  He lost his sense of humour.  I tried putting all the blame for our breakup on myself because I thought that might save our friendship, but I was wrong.

I told myself Mark just needed more time and that he would get better.  I think he was very depressed and removed himself socially from hanging out with people.  I wanted to stay connected though and move forward in my life, and could not be there without having a healthy connection with him.  It was very difficult to remove myself from the relationship and I hoped we could be friends with each other but this was not possible.  Mark did not want my friendship.  I can look back and wonder why I started dating him, but I only know that I am sad for the loss of the friendship more than anything.  

I never imagined that I would ever find friends as good as Mark and Joseph again. As time passed, I realized that friends come and go, and I’m currently content with the friends I have.  I know that to be happy and do well in life, I need to let go of friends who are not there for me and don’t believe in my dreams.

Since moving to Calgary, a lot of friends have entered my life. I have good friends and I hope I can be there for them like they are there for me. To everyone else in my life who I didn't mention by name: thank you for coming into my life! Each one of you has had an impact on me.

Friends and dating (part 4)

We went over to visit with Mark's family that night because I needed to be with him.  It was an emotional time for everyone who knew Joseph. The funeral was hard on us but Mark took it harder.  I told myself that I would lose Mark too and that scared me a lot.

When the funeral was over, I had planned to go home with my family but wanted to make sure that it was okay with Mark. He replied, "No, you can go." He phoned a couple of hours later; "I thought you wanted to come home with me," and I reminded him that he said it was okay for me to go home.  He planned to go out the next night with his friends to hang out; they were heading to a small bar on 16th Avenue where Joseph and him had spent every Sunday night watching hockey and playing pool.

I was speaking with Laura who worked as home support at Mark 's house, and explained how Mark was acting towards me, and that I didn't like it.  I shared how I really wanted to break up with him but worried that it was too soon after Joseph's death. She replied, "Shawna, you need to think about yourself, not Mark.” I knew that but thought that if I gave him some time and didn't pester him, things would return to a better place. I tried to give him space but was there whenever he needed me.

Mark and his roommates hosted a bonfire a couple of months later.  Mark was sitting next to his previous girlfriend and I was sitting with Laura. I watched him go inside without saying a single word to me since I had arrived. I followed him in and asked, "What’s going on?"  "Nothing, leave me alone." I returned outside until it was late and everyone was heading home.  Laura and I were heading inside when we saw Mark going into his room; he saw me, swore at me, and closed his door. Laura turned to me and said, "What was that?" She knew what was happening to our relationship but didn't realize how badly he was acting towards me until that moment.

Mark called the next day to apologize for everything and I forgave him.  We were still dating a year later when I lost another good friend.  I asked Mark if he could go with me to the funeral, but he had a wedding to attend that afternoon.  I asked if I could be his wedding date because I needed his company, but he was already taking his ex-girlfriend.  My friends told me again that I needed to break up with him but I wanted to wait until he was better.  It never happened.

Friends and dating (part 3)

When we weren't at the cabin, we kept in touch on the phone. Eventually Mark and Joseph moved out with another friend into a new house. They held an open house where all their friends were invited, but I could only stay for part of it. One friend started asking Joseph lots of questions about me, if Joseph liked me, if he was going to ask me out, etc. Joseph then called that night to ask me out. We dated for two years. Mark and us did everything and went everywhere together.

I was very much in love with Joseph and we were together as a couple for two years. Over the two years he was sweet and caring. We tried to spend time together on the weekends because I was still living at home in Airdrie and Joseph was in Calgary. He played floor hockey on Saturdays so sometimes I went to watch him play or I met up with him afterwards. After two years together, we decided to break up because I discovered he wanted more than I wanted from our relationship at that time.

Joseph and I stayed good friends.  It worked out that Mark and I started dating and Joseph was dating a friend of Mark's, so we usually double dated.  I started to enjoy my relationship with Mark less as time went by, but Joseph convinced me to stay with him.

At the age of 24, Joseph suddenly passed away from a brain aneurysm.  He was in a car accident a year and a half before he died.  He started having bad headaches a couple of times a day after the accident but they were worsening in the days leading up to his death.

My parents showed up at my house on Tuesday to tell me that Joseph had passed away.  At that moment I couldn't say anything. I was too sad and terribly distressed.  I had visited Mark and Joseph at their house on Saturday and Joseph wasn't looking like his usual self.  I left with the words, "Bye Joseph, I hope you feel better," but in my heart I knew that was the last time I would see him.

When I got home that night I called my mom to tell her that Joseph was very ill and I knew he wouldn't make it, that he would die in the next couple of days.  She kept telling me not to talk that way about him and asked why I had those feelings.  I couldn't explain how I knew. When they told me about his passing, I was devastated because I had been hoping that my thoughts wouldn't come true.  He was one of the few great friends that I had in my life and I still think of him everyday.

Friends and dating (part 2)

Mark was always thinking up new ways to tease me or play a joke.  One time our families were having supper together at my house when I was fourteen.  Mark, Joseph, and I went out after supper, as it was summer and still light outside.  Mark wanted to drink and suggested we go to his house to get drunk.  We couldn't all fit in the small kitchen with three wheelchairs.  Mark was able to open the fridge but couldn't reach the beer.  Joseph and I were waiting outside but Mark yelled, "I need help."

We went inside and I was closest to the fridge so it was my turn to try.  I didn't know if we were allowed to drink but Mark assured me it would not be a problem.  I crawled out of my chair and over to the fridge, stood up, and asked, "Do you want a can or the whole case?"  "The whole case." "But you can't drink that much beer." "You and Joseph are going to help me." I didn't even like beer but I pulled the case out and placed it on Mark's lap.

Mark wanted to go back to our families but I hesitated about getting in trouble.  "Don't worry; it will all be my fault." Mark was quicker in his chair than Joseph and me so he beat us home.  All the adults asked him where he had gotten the beer.  "Shawna wanted some; she took it out of the fridge without asking if she was allowed!"

I entered my house to stares and my father's stern voice, "Shawna Mattinson, why did you take out a case of beer without asking Mark?" I shouted that Mark was a liar, "He was there and wanted me to take it out!"  My dad said how he would have to ground me for a week because this was all my fault.  Mark tried to calm me down but I told him he was a liar again.  I tried to explain what had happened with Joseph's support but everyone just looked at Mark and apologized for my behaviour: "Sorry, we know Shawna very well so you don't have to lie to cover the fact that this is all her fault."

Finally Mark broke down laughing. "I was just joking with you guys, it was my idea." He had no threat of being grounded; everyone just laughed. They had known it all along but took his side to tease me.